My 600 lb Life

Lately, I have had an opportunity to watch the TLC show “My 600 lb Life”. I had seen a few episodes before. One thing I remembered about the show was that I thought the dr was a little inflexible. Specifically how much weight he thought the patients should have lost. I just didn’t believe that you could control how much weight you lost, even if you did the diet strictly.

Watching it now, after having lost some weight on the keto diet, my perspective has changed a little bit.

For one thing, the participants in the show seem to be full of excuses.  I wonder now what my excuses were?  And… Do I still make excuses?

I also see the doctor in a different light. He hears these excuses every day from multiple patients. That is why he sounds so harsh and cynical. And the weight loss goals he sets aren’t arbitrary. Having lost weight myself, the weight just comes OFF when you have a lot to lose.

Whether  that dr is actually right or wrong, I am just specifically speaking to how I now interpret things and see things in a different light. And I have never been through weight loss surgery, so I can’t personally speak on it. I am simply observing my new feelings and impressions of watching this show before and after my own personal weight loss.

One thing I definitely identify with is the fears the patients seem to deal with. And the avoidance of those fears.  At all costs.  Mainly by eating.

And then when they begin to deal with the actual problem, they just don’t know what to do with themselves because they no longer eat in response to EVERY little thing. Feelings and emotions they were avoiding with food come bubbling to the surface.

That is actually where I am right now. I already knew I was a defeated perfectionist and wanted it all perfect and right now. Or else I wasn’t doing it. You can’t fail if you don’t try. I was searching out pleasure in food, tasty drinks, different flavors …  My only entertainment was food. It was a simple quick solution. You had a hard day? Pick up a favorite fast food treat.

One thing I don’t identify with at all: when they say food was their best friend. That food made them feel good, warm. Loved. I never had that feeling. I wanted it. I searched it out in flavor: savory, sweet, salty… but I always came up empty.

Whenever someone says they could never give up a certain food, I always think that I would have thought that too. And I am always surprised how easily I gave things up because I would have said that I loved cake, cookies, chips, bread, etc.

One day I was telling my mom that people often tell me they could never give up “fill in the blank” because they love it too much.  I would have also counted myself as someone who LOVED sweets and cakes and other treats. She replied, “ Well maybe you never did.”

It kinda blew my mind. Could it be that I never even loved food in the first place? I know for sure now it never loved me! I wonder if it is like a bad relationship where you thought you loved each other, but after it is all over, you really examine it and find neither one of you was very happy.

I have not allowed myself to be uncomfortable and now I find myself wanting to avoid ALLLLLL discomfort. It is a real drag. If I am not an instant expert, I want to quit. Which honestly, is kind of silly, and not to mention self defeating.

Constantly my mind searches for the escape route. The way to quit. That got hard for a second, better quit. Except this time I am not quitting. It is so hard mentally. I don’t know whether to double down on things I have tried and given up on or just find something new altogether. Just because I have never not given up before!

Yesterday my brain saw every item in the pantry as a possible solution to whatever life hands me. Normally the temptations are just empty hollow whispers. I would say lately they have been full blown cravings.

This time I don’t give in to the cravings. I do try my best to prevent cravings altogether. But even if I get them, I have learned that they are fleeting. With some perspective, I can easily see that crunching on chips is NOT a viable solution to my issue.

Instead of giving up and giving in, I am learning to ride out the uncomfortable feelings. This is unchartered waters for me.

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